I remember all the days You were with me. When all the unanswered questions felt like ominous clouds of uncertainty. You protected me. From myself a lot of times.That one sheep that needed her Shepherd. You pursued me relentlessly. Your grace covered me. You are the lifter of my head, even now. This is God’s miraculous story. He‘s called me to be the Storyteller.
This Blog is how I feel about things now, how I am processing what happened to me, and what I am learning along the way. The book is going to be the actual story of my life. How the details came together at all the right times which led me to find my father in another country. Writing both simultaneously is more than I can bare some days.
I started this blog post a few days ago but I had to stop abruptly. When you allow yourself to wander into dark shadows, the ones you‘ve been avoiding your whole life, it effects you in many ways. You start to believe some really rotten things about yourself. Anger, despair, sadness...they were never emotions I felt comfortable expressing. Happiness was the only “go-to” emotion in my house. When horrible things happened we acted like it never occured. All smiles and no sign of strife.
This past week, I discovered a new emotion of feeling plotted against by my family, and believing I was a mistake. I spent most of the day wrestling with this new lie. I went there. The black cavern. The downward spiral. You know what I mean. The place opposite of peace, what I long for everyday.
If you are lucky enough to have a picturesque life with minimal dysfunction, (and I say this with sincere honesty) I am thrilled for you. Set in motion before we even take our first breath, some of us are born into hard circumstances outside our choosing. There is comfort in knowing that God‘s not surprised about anything that happens to us.
This past Monday came with a vengeance, stirring feelings of desperation, helplessness and losing control. I cried out to the Lord, please take these terrible feelings. It’s unfair to be plotted against when your a baby and can’t take up for yourself. The pain of feeling like someone’s mistake is an awful place. As I wiped tears from my cheek, He whispered in my spirit, “I know what it’s like to be plotted against.”
That truth pierced through my heart like an arrow to the bullseye. A flood of understanding rushed through my mind, remembering every place I’ve been He was holding my right hand. There is no situation He does not understand or does not have compassion for. He knows how I feel! He knows how we all feel.
He‘s the God of all my days.
Comments