I lived my life comfortably numb for the first forty-nine years; comfortable with the narrative told to me, comfortable with the lack of transparency, comfortable believing to be a white girl in a white world. Living numb to the lie came easily after a while. But it fractures you to hold on to a reality you know to be false. Thus, empowering you to live a comfortably numb existence believing if you don’t recognize whatever it is… then it doesn’t exist.
My husband woke me at 1:15 am on Valentine's Day, 2017, “Sweetie… don’t freak out, but I need you to get up, get yourself together and come in my office. I found him. I found your Dad, and he’s waiting to talk to you.” Still unaware and in a dream-like state, my mind tried to comprehend his words. The moment it took to catch the seriousness on his face, and the tone of his voice, passed in slow motion. There are life moments for all of us that catch us off guard—the sudden death of someone we love, the rare chance of winning a big prize, the moment the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test, but nothing prepared me to hear the words, ‘I found him’. I took a deep breath, washed my face, and stared at the girl in the mirror. This was the moment I’d waited for my whole life. A cataclysmic explosion in the universe in three simple words. That little frightened girl looked back at me with a grin of contentment I’ll never forget.
My lost Dad was waiting to meet me on Facebook in the other room.From the moment we locked eyes and shared our voices, my whole life made sense. Here was my DNA twin—Faroh “Aud” Toigeebee. An indescribable awakening and fulfillment came over me, and instantly I was complete… finally. Praise God, I was numb no more.
I’ve always had a relationship with God and amazed by His faithfulness and perfect timing in my life. I believe He had a plan for me even when I didn’t have an identity. He knew the secret wouldn’t last forever, that I’d break free from the lie and find myself, my purpose in this whole messed up story. Being the secret is something no one should have to suffer; it mentally and emotionally alters you. So it’s fantastic to say I feel free. Freedom and peace is a gift from above.
Those words are fun to write and bring me joy and yet sitting here editing this post I’m inundated by daily news briefs on the global pandemic of Covid19 and its’ devastating effects on everyone’s lives. I watch as it shuts my salon down, bringing my job to a halt, separating me from my friends, my amazing clients and forces a 14-day quarantine from my daughters. And everywhere I see that same comfortable numbness being shattered by the virus.
In times like this, life shines a light on what we have control over. Our emotions and how we treat others is a choice every day. We are in this together. The entire world is feeling the same anxious thoughts. So we can stay at ease with our state of numbness, or be courageous to expose it and recharge our souls and be better for it. For me, I accept God is by my side, which now gives me a deeper awareness in life.
Quarantine is hard. Leaving my dad rips my heart out every time. Being away from my daughters for over a month is depressing… and now I don’t have a job. Yet, I still feel peaceful (most of the day). This pandemic is bigger than anything we’ve ever faced before, and when we’re on the other side, I hope we look back and see how a world crisis made us better people—and a better world. May we all wake up and not settle living life, “Comfortably Numb.”
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